Love & Roses

I always have a fascination towards the red rose since I was a child. We always see it as a symbol of happiness, purity and beauty. It’s not just the red color and fragrance of rose that attracts us toward it, whereas if you observe closely there is some internal moisture in rose leaves which gives us a kind of warmth and soft feeling to hands whenever we hold it.

Amidst  all this theory about rose there is one thing which always made me curious that why it is referenced with love and always visualized as symbol of love and romance between couples. I mean it has nothing to do with emotions and feelings what we experience while falling in love still “Red is defined as color of love and rose as symbol of showing love”.

Surprisingly one day I got a rose out of somewhere just like that from a friend and to give some more food to my curious mind I kept it my room and started observing it every day. Initially it was creating a beautiful aura and positive impact in my room , still there were no answers to my question my question of rose’s relation to love.

I noticed with each passing day that the rose which was blossoming in my room two days back, is slowly losing it charm and starting to fade from red to grey even the smells seems to be dying out of it. You have to go very close to it if you want to get the smell.

Few more days passed and the leaves are sort of black now and the smell was all lost. It appears that the rose was overall degrading the beauty of my room now. One day I was angry and my mom told me I am getting irritated because of that dried rose in my room as its creating negative impact on my mind. She asked me to throw it away. But as I’ve already told that I have some unsettled curiosity for roses & their connection with love so I couldn’t throw it away so I left it like that. As days passed by, the leaves dried and blackened completely, they even left the stem and were lying on my floor. I realized that I am not throwing it away but roses wanted to be thrown away and I am just not letting it go for my own satisfaction & greed.  I decided that I will give a much deserved goodbye to my once beautiful & presently dying room partner. As I was picking the rose which was now only some leaves and stem, I got pinched by the thorn of stem and blood came out from my finger. As I came out of the house even rest of the leaves also flew and now only the stem was left in my blood stained hands.

I saw a bird coming towards me from the nearby tree, in blow of a second the stem was in the bird’s beak which she took to complete the nest over the nearby tree. I was standing alone with blood stream flowing out of my hands watching the bird trying to place it and stem trying to position itself in the new room. To serve a new purpose to be heart of someone else’s home.

In that few minutes it all became clear like a suspense getting revealed of a thriller movie. The roses, the red color, the smell, the warmth , the beauty , the aura , the positive impact and most of all its relation to love ,relations and heartbreak…

Lonely...So Lonely

I feel too lonely at times, but that doesnt bothers me much, the problems is that lonilness comes very often sometimes several times during same day even after so many months have past but still it feels as if I have hugged you just yesterday.

Don't know what I want with my life, what I really want to happen and what not but place which has become vacant since you left is growing bigger with each day.I know you might never going to read this but still I write because this is the only place where I can talk to you freely without being judged not even by you.
I never share my feelings with people you already know this but keeping all this inside me and smiling the whole day making life beautiful for others while burning from inside is a huge task which assigned to me.

The worst part is I have nobody to blame too except myself but how to give more pain to myself when I am already suffering so much...every night while coming from office and after reaching home the world around me remains so silent still it feels as if a concrete mixer is placed in my mind...I love watching moon too much...this reminds me of our days when we both were in college but we used to share the same moon.

You know what Pune is a beautiful city, the kind of one you would have loved to spend your life in.
I fear going Delhi now, its not my Watan anymore, I fear everything remind me of your presence if I will go to Delhi again even if for a visit.

You know if I get any watsapp message from a contact directly ( It beeps differently when you get message directly from contact rather than group message ) I hope rises that it might be your message saying "Buddy I missed you "...and then if I will not receive message for next one year that would be fine...It will give peace that you remember me, that's it.
Try to look at your Instagram account but then its private so cant see anything other than your status which is same from last so many things...You will be surprised to know that how weak I have become now , Even I pity myself whenever I try to see your insta promising myself that next time will not do but still I check in hope to get a glimpse.Never got courage to send request with fear that what If you will not accept.

Things become so different naa, but you know what I am happy that you are strong unlike me atleast you know how to control your emotions or maybe I have made you emotionless by hurting you so much in all those years, but its helping you now.

So many things have changes in last 1 year you cant imagine, so many new people I have met lot and lot of new friends who are crazy about me like always, although none of them know what I was a year before.
People love me, everybody who meets me they go crazy I still carry that attitude that brings people closure to me..But that all doesn't give me even a blink of happiness because I was not able to keep that one person close who mattered most.

Do watch moon sometimes just watch don't think anything, I will get the vibes as if I have seen you.
I miss you.

Note : Recent listened a song from movie Ae Dil hai mushkil "Breakup song" I felt as if you are singing that sing....I dont know why.


Shashwat





 

The Reason

Dear Betu,

You loved me
Because I always gave you what you asked for
Because I challenged you to grow
Because I always hated those who thought that you cant do it on your own
But now
You hate me for the same reason
We are not together now for the same reason
One day you will be with someone else
With the growth that I inspired,
The Irony,
I love you regardless....

Your's Buddy.

I WISH THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT

You weren't nothing,you were so much more than that.
I know that you are never going to forgive me ,but I wished you just have stayed a bit more longer may be few days or months and life would have been too different.I would have been a changed a person.

Don't ever think that I never cared about you,you were one of greatest people I have ever met.And you were always in my mind whatever I was doing even today.
Do you even know how much it hurt me to lose you ?
You were such a big part of my life or I shoudl say you were my life that too for so long and walking away wasnt easy to accept.
You needed to let me go, to move on with your life as long as I was in your life you weren't able to do that whatever you want,I accept it.I was holding you back.
I know you're going to be a better person.You fight for people ,you dont let them go when things get hard, you are a better person than I will ever be.I know I must have definitely done unforgivable blunder to make you take that step.

I hope no one ever hurts you teh way I did,you dint deserved that.I know you cant even look at me right now and I feel terrible at the fact that you asked me to forget you for always.More terrible when I realise that you asked me to not contact you as it will hold you back from moving on. But every momnet I feel like talking to you messaging you irrespective of the fact that it will never be possible.

I am glad that I have met you and I hope you find someone who actually deserves you.


I wish things would not have ended the way they did.
I wish it would have been diferent.

The Letter of Confusion

Sandwich : What it means ?
You know sandwich is something which is pressed from both sides and getting squeezed in between.
How you can be sandwiched if I am not putting any pressure or you from any side.Its your fight for your thing with your family.You want it equally as much as I do.
Also I am not at all asking you or telling you anything what I am thinking so that you don't get any pressure from my end at-least. And you say you are sandwiched.

Main kyun khush hounga tumhe aazmaish mein dekh ke yaar.I have other important things to think about you right now rather than feeling happy by seeing you in this situation.

I never pressurized you for anything  Betu..not for love not for hate nor I will ask you for marriage by doing anything you wont agree.Do what your heart says and what you think will be good for your future and family not for me.

I am saying this because I do only that what I feel is good for me.likewise I feel I love you and I feel happy with you and you are the best person I have ever met.These are the reasons I want to marry you.Not because I am sandwiched or any other thing.

I am too confused from your part these days.I had thought that it will be atleast between us when this all will start.But you sound to confused about us now.I always told you that it will take time atleast months to year for them to digest everything.Its been just a month or less and you seem to have lost hope.

I wish you all the strength of the world.
One of my friend married someone whom she dint wanted and she said to me that " Everyone for whom you will do all the sacrifices will get busy next day you are off their head.Its you who will have to face everything and spend your life.So make sure that you dont hurt your whole life in race of saving others from getting hurt for some days or months".



I miss you.
More than ever.

I just wanna say.

Bas aa phuche ab door nhi chaar kdam bas chalna hai.....!!!

I love you.

Tu hi Tu har jagah....!!!

More than a week has passed and I haven't much heard from you still.
Craving for you is increasing day by day.

From always I have found you in different people ...in their smiles I see you
..or their dimples used to make me remind me of you....the nose...or someone's hairstyle resembles your.
All these things used to bring smile on my face...But now I am searching for your face in the crowd but can't find it. Not even that one moment look which can bring smile to my face.
Maybe because the feel good factor is not there.

I was thinking life is so amazing yet so strange naa. One moment we are the happiest person on earth and don't realize its importance and the other everything vanishes like a dream and we don't know what surprise the next moment holds.

You know from always missing you have been an amazing feel or experience but never felt like this in last 11 years.
Today I think I haven't even talked or loved you the 1% of what I hold in myself.
I miss you always but don't know why this time its different.

I saw a gal sleeping on shoulder of her partner and a surprising thought flashed in my mind. Will I ever to be with you like that ever now...I don't have answer.

I love you.
Miss you.

The Sleepless night...

I have got many sleepless nights since the day I first got to know you on 13th Jan 2004.
I am not getting sleep today,don't know why...is it The love...You...The msg "don't col or msg on my number"... Or the thing which I know still I don't.
I just wish it to be the former two ones.

They say that you realize the importance of things when its not there. But you have never been with me and always there,still you are the most important noun or pronoun of my life.
Missing you has been a great learning experience of my life. I could write a book on it that too in several volumes. Initially it was just waiting for your messages or calls. Or to see your face in school assembly. Then it was sleepless days and nights thinking about knowing the fact that its a dream what I am imagining. But now its different all levels are crossed ,it has crossed all bars of waiting. I just want you to be with me right here. Without convincing my mind with some stupid fake explanations of not happening that.

I miss you so much at this very moment that I can leave you right away but I can't.
You know why...
Because I love you...
Because everything I ever talked to anyone about my future you have always been a part of it. I want to see that dreams getting true.
Because what we have endured all these years will be waste...our promises our love.
Because I have never met anyone more beautiful than you in any sense. If you can't believe it see it through my eyes. The view is just amazing.

I don't fear the future because I know we will try our best to make it the best we can. I fear the days coming after that. Once that comes it will be lot more soothing to see you lie by my side.

I know the fact that test is not over yet. But I fear that it has begun still or not.

I wish I could call you and say I love betu right away. But then life's never been that good and easy to me.

I love you(I hope you listening).